Can you go back?

Hello, my name is Becky and I am an American living in Bahrain.


Today's expat blog challenge prompt is:  “It is a bitter-sweet thing, knowing two cultures. Once you leave your birthplace nothing is ever the same.” ― Sarah Turnbull


This quote rings true to me. Only a handful of my high school graduating class went out of state for college. The nearby community college took so many it was thought of as High School Part 2: the Sequel. A few other in state colleges recruited from our ranks. Others went straight to jobs or family life. But I think there were only four or five of us that went out of state.


I always knew I would go away for college. My parents were big into that- you graduate- you leave. So I did. After our all night graduation party, I had a split second chance to accept an invitation to breakfast with a former crush...but I didn't go because I was leaving to start my freshman year of college a week later. Why bother? (Not very Before Sunrise of me.) Summer semester- that was my senior trip I guess.


So a year later, I get back to P-town and have managed to loose touch with most everyone and the handful I had kept in contact with still all had life in common still. They saw each other the weekend before, knew the same local news, liked the same local band, knew who was seeing who. I had been happy to leave, but it made me really sad to know that there was not much for me at home. I felt like friends thought I thought I was too good to stick around, but I didn't feel superior at all- I just felt like I didn't belong anymore.


Luckily, during one of those trips back home, I met my handsome husband. We went to the same high school and know a lot of the same people, but with a six year age gap, we didn't know each other. (Thank goodness he escaped my very awkward teen years). I love that we have a common past. We understand each other better because we know where we came from. I love that we were able to go away together and build a life together.


We moved to a small farm town and put down firm roots. We loved our community and made friends and acquaintances so wonderful they felt like family. I was actually pretty jealous of all the farm kids there that grew up knowing each other their whole lives- that went to college then returned to the farm when they got married and started families of their own. They had such a great sense of home and family. It was a great place and we joked that we should buy cemetery plots there because we'd live there till we died. But then we felt prompted to uproot and go. When it is time to go, it seems like there are things that push you that way, that make it easier for you to leave. Ties loosen. We've gone back and visited. We still have strong ties there- a house, great friends, but I wonder if we could go back and feel at home again.


I think about the experiences I've had now. I think about what my life would be like if we did go back. It is hard to imagine. We've missed out on a few years there now- I bet I'd be talking to friends and they'd say "Didn't you know that? Oh, yeah- that happened when you were gone..." They are such good friends that I am sure we could pick up where we left off- but when I left they were into couponing and now I think they are into running half-marathons- not sure if I can run with the pack anymore! In the meantime, my cool overseas experiences would be glamorous for all of three seconds. And I know I would fight the "well in Bahrain, we did...." monster. Constantly comparing. I would miss things about here so very much. And where is home anyway? Our childhood city stomping grounds? The town we made ours when we bought a house and had babies there? Anywhere in the Pacific Northwest or the USA?


Maybe we'll just have to band together with other former expats to navigate the bumpy return home when we decide we want our kids to have the all-American upbringing we had. It will be bitter-sweet. As much as I long for home, I love the adventure we are having- welcomed as a stranger in a strange land. I know I will never truly feel like overseas is home, but now that I've seen more of the world, I know that home will never feel like home again either. Hopefully, I'll end up in a very self-actualized place where I am at home in all of the world!